Awkward Office Moments – The Friend Boundary

It’s arguably one of the most awkward things about work… or going out… or even dating, really.  It’s that disturbing combination of trying to remain detached and professional, while creating the meaningful relationships that we know will make us successful or happy.  One of the worst manifestations in the office, however, is… (where’s my drumroll)… crossing The Friend Boundary.

While our happiness in general is “guaranteed” by us navigating the awkwardness of the dating world, it is said that cultivating relationships in the office gives us the ability to be more satisfied and productive at work.

But that doesn’t mean it is any less awkward than dating.  In fact sometimes I wonder if it is actually more difficult than dating because you can’t simply tell someone you find them pleasant or wonderful without crossing professional boundaries (causing you both to feel uncomfortable).  This ties in to my views on providing positive feedback, but I’ll cover that in another post.  Curtains up.  Enter stage left:

We have a person (we’ll call her Yours Truly) who has been introduced, through a workmate, to a lovely young lady (we’ll call her The Potential).  Out of general friendliness we go for a coffee. We chat. We figure out that we enjoy the other person’s company. We spend a number of weeks stopping by the other’s desk for a chat and – at least from my end – enjoying it.

But hypothetically speaking, I would still call her a colleague when introducing her to someone else.  Right?

What happens, though, when we want to bridge that gap?  Unfortunately - in some way, shape or form - we still have to have the much dreaded DTR talk.  This executes similarly to dating, but with more tip-toeing around the issue because both of you need to maintain some professionalism.  How limiting.  Back to the stage:

Yours Truly and The Potential are once again thoroughly engaged in a discussion regarding some particular passion that the two of them share.  Yours Truly, who always errs on the side of professionalism, thinks that it’d be absolutely lovely to spend more time (over coffee or out socially) with The Potential, but keeps it to herself.  She doesn’t want to overstep the boundary too soon.   The conversation then drifts to other topics and then, casually, the bombshell is dropped.

The Potential uses the f-word as though it is commonplace.

Yours Truly does a double take.  Did she just say friend?

Besides immediately relaxing and feeling more at ease (knowing that we can just get on with enjoying our conversations), I was struck by the fact that I had unknowingly felt nervous about our boundaries before.  We humans often need these boundaries for our relationships, so we compartmentalise what we can say to who, when and how.

While communication is becoming less formal and more accessible, I suspect that it is still not really getting any easier to know the boundaries of others without simply asking.  Realistically, a friendship, a mentoring relationship or a team arrangement should be fed by both parties developing an understanding of the other person’s frame of reference, so should it really be awkward?

Should it matter who uses the word friend first?